How to Overcome Shame
Shame is an emotion we don’t like to talk about much, and for good reasons - shame is contagious, powerful and painful. The word itself can be difficult to read or say because of the nature of the emotion; shame means rejected, disgusting and repulsive. Why would we want anything to do with this word? But even if we don’t like talking about it much, we can’t deny that there are times when it takes over our experiences or it is used by others as a form of manipulation. However, there are ways we can overcome shame and even embrace it.
First, let’s talk through a situation where shame comes up. Ever been shamed into doing something you don’t want to do? For example, you pluck up the courage to tell your boss you don’t feel comfortable doing a particular task she asked your team to do, her response: “Well, everyone else has done it…” cue your red face and immediately agreeing to do said task. You’re left with feelings of guilt, embarrassment and annoyance, or in other words - shame. You say to yourself yet again “why did I bother?”, you tried to assert yourself just that little bit more and it got shot down.
So, how can you overcome these shameful experiences?
Talk back to the voice in your head that tells you you shouldn’t have bothered expressing your feelings and needs.
You have a right to speak up and share when you feel uncomfortable or if something doesn’t align with your values. The work you have been doing on yourself isn’t pointless, it’s challenging and is slowly paying off. Change takes time and shame takes a while to overcome. Shame is painful. Allow it to hurt, try to sit with it and try to get more familiar with it. Avoidance often makes things worse.
Try to share your feelings of shame when you’re with people you trust and feel comfortable around.
This can be very freeing and refreshing once done. Shame likes to hide, so when you share it in a safe space you will notice that it begins to shrink. Shame survives in the dark. We could say it’s nocturnal! Shame research shows that vulnerability and empathy are antidotes to shame. This means that when we share our shame with supportive people we can reduce its negative impact on us and begin to heal. You could say “I’m feeling really embarrassed right now” or “I’m really ashamed to say this but…”.
Be aware that I highlighted that you should trust the people you’re sharing it with - I wouldn’t recommend going around and telling everyone you know about your shame, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to anyway, but if you tell your close friend/s, who are trustworthy and supportive they will be able to understand you better. Shame can make us do confusing things, but if friends know the feelings behind your actions, it will make more sense.
Go slowly on your journey to overcoming shame.
If we challenge ourselves too much when working on our shame gremlins we can make things worse. Overcoming shame requires self-awareness and a gentleness towards ourselves. Imagine if your friend told you he was very ashamed at how he handled a relationship issue with his partner, you wouldn’t criticise him or rush him into challenging his thoughts, that wouldn’t help. Treat yourself as you would a good friend. Take it a small step at a time. Embrace your emotions one by one - read my other post about how to embrace your emotions.
If you want to learn more about shame I really recommend checking out Brené Brown’s podcast called Unlocking Us. Brené is a leading shame researcher and, more importantly, a very down to earth human sharing her wisdom and vulnerability. Shame might have an association of weakness but when you bring yours into a conversation and own it, your confidence will shine through. Embracing shame is damn hard but others will be inspired by you.
Lastly, shame is tough stuff, and it can be worked through with a therapist. Learn more about me, Emily, the therapist behind Embracing Emotions. We can work through your shame together.
How does shame show up in your life? How do you overcome it?
